Where, What, and Who I Am
What I learned about myself through a relationship that mattered
It was more than just a passing affair. It was important. Sure, all relationships carry an aspect of importance, but this one… this one was different. It forced me to reflect on many aspects of myself over the past few months. The challenges we faced helped me to see where, what, and who I am. Hopefully I can explain all of that in a way that'll make sense. I hope you'll stick around while I try.
Where am I?
I've asked that question before, but it usually involved a roadmap. This time, there wasn't one. Instead, I was exploring parts of myself - much of it a wide expanse that, despite having lived for decades and being in charge of my own adventure, I had never truly explored.
I discovered I am not good with ambiguity if it goes on for a bit. I mean, let's face it, this section is asking the question "Where am I?" You've been on those roads that just seemed to go on forever - where the signs are few and you begin to doubt that you're even on the right one. That's how it feels for me when there's uncertainty about a relationship. Sure, I can manage for a little while, but I need a sign every now and then for some reassurance.
I've also learned that emotional stability is important to me. Oh, I can be flexible, but I certainly prefer stability. I need something I can point at, and count on. And with a relationship? Oh, I just can't stay in the grey areas just to hang onto a connection.
What am I?
I'm a banjo player not a "p-sy-chologist". Seriously though, this may be more about how I'm made - wired up, if you will. After unboxing myself and scrutinizing the contents I find that I'm a lover that bonds through presence, consistency, and intimacy. I also found that when intimacy is real to me it carries very deep meaning. I prioritize the other person, and I feel that there's a responsibility that we should have for one another. Some of that I like, and maybe you see something there of value.
I also learned that intimacy creates attachment for me, and attachment without clarity has the proclivity to bring up jealousy. Sure, I'll take ownership of my jealousy. It's a trait I've been trying to understand for a while, and I'm finally starting to see where it comes from. It's that time when closeness is real but the relationship isn't clear, jealousy shows up for me.
Who am I?
This is a tough one. In this context I guess we'll have to just look at who I am when it comes to a relationship; the entire "who" is immense.
I've only recently learned that when I care about someone and things begin to feel unstable, I tend to over-function. I've noticed that I will soften my language, carry extra emotional weight that isn't mine to carry, and try to absorb someone else's discomfort — and sometimes all of that at the cost of my own clarity. I didn't realize I was doing those things, and it took a good deal of self-reflection to finally make sense of it.
Oh, another thing is I've too often confused patience with growth. I didn't like seeing that or the over-functioning in myself, but I needed to see them. Just like I tell my students, being aware of the problem is where we start making the change.
The affair did end as many do, but not because either of us was wrong. It ended because we each had different needs, a different sense of pacing, and definitions that didn't line up. I figure we both needed to be true to ourselves. I can honestly say, despite my desire to fast forward to some version of "happily ever after", it ended before I made too many changes and lost myself.
Yes, maybe I've also begun to learn the difference between growth and self-erasure. Obviously I should work on how I react, and learn how to regulate my emotions better. Looking back over the past few months I've found that I can express my wants and needs a little better than I could previously. I've got a better idea of the sort of relationship in which I can thrive -- and that might be the most important thing I've discovered so far on this adventure.
This relationship taught me a lot. Oh sure, most of what I learned was about myself, but I certainly got a lot of new perspectives from my lover. I'm not bitter about any of it. It's as if this affair held up a mirror to me and let me take a good long look. Only because of it I have a better idea of my edges and my limits. I also got to see the places where I need to stand strong and not bend. I needed that!
I'm not leaving this affair feeling smaller - not at all. If anything, I'm leaving it feeling more defined!
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